September 21, 2017
On Tuesday afternoons Tegan has a Ninja Gymnastics class we signed him up for. Let me tell you it is awesome!! I love it and it is so good for him. He is jumping, balancing, using his body to pull himself up…best OT (occupational therapy) ever. But that isn’t what I wanted to talk about.
Right after class my little Ninja came running, jumping, punching the air, and making whoop noises all the way to his cubby where his shoes, socks and cane were stowed. Putting on shoes and socks are still tricky for him, so I was sitting next to him waiting patiently as he worked hard on this task. At this time one of his little Ninja classmates came over and got down in his face. He says to his mom, “Mom!! Come here I want to show you his eyes, they are red!! I have been looking at him today and his eyes are red.”
I of course am feeling upset and mortified by this kid putting Tegan on display. Tegan on the other hand was completely oblivious because he was busy with his socks and shoes. The mom looked mortified but quickly responds with, “Oh interesting, what color are your eyes?” and then gently pulls him to his own cubby. At this moment I want to give this boy a piece of my mind and the mom’s response still leaves me feeling upset. It wasn’t a terrible response, but a lost opportunity to change the situation.
I take Tegan out to the car and as usual we are the last ones out. As we drove home I was thinking about what just happened and why I felt so upset. The boy was 4 years old and his observation was not malicious or cruel, but just a 4 year old noticing a unique difference. I also started thinking about that mortified mom. What did I expect her to do? What could she have said that would have made that awkward and embarrassing moment not feel so hurtful? After thinking about it for a couple days I thought it would be worth sharing what could have happened that would have made that situation into a teachable moment.
Honestly, before Tegan I don’t think I would have known what to do or say either. So I feel empathy for the parents that are at a loss for what to do. So here is what I would have liked to hear.
“Mom!! Come here I want to show you his eyes they are red!! I have been looking at him today and his eyes are red.”
“How cool is that!?! Don’t you think it is cool that we can have so many different eye colors? I love that everyone has differences that make us all unique.”
I know that if she said this and let it be known that we are all different, I would have felt relieved that she just addressed the situation with grace and gave my son his dignity back.
I think it would be worth a follow up conversation (depending on the age of the child) after that person of interest is gone about how staring can hurt people’s feelings. I also think that for little kids getting books with characters that are blind, in wheel chairs, have women with short hair, or boys with long hair are important. Todd Parr books are amazing for little kids.
We talk to our kids all the time about differences and we celebrate those differences. As kids get older I think it is important to let them know they can ask you about something they saw with someone after that person is not around so that you can answer those questions, but to express watching and staring at someone who looks or behaves differently from them can be hurtful.
Lately our little Tegan has been getting stared at a lot…mostly by adults. I am sure they are curious about the little boy with a cane, but I just want to punch them. Tegan doesn’t notice right now, but he will. I just want to raise my kids to treat differences between each other as something to celebrate and accept that none of us are the same and that is pretty cool.
I would love to hear other thoughts from other moms/dads and my special needs mom/dad posse out there. I think it is important to talk about because awkward silence is no fun for anyone😊
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